The only time we met Endicott was at his high school graduation party at your home. From that brief visit, we could tell what a terrific young man he was.
Our thoughts and prayers have been with you - and will continue with you - and may God’s peace that passes understanding rest upon each member of the family who misses him so.
Bob and Carol
Endi,
There is no way to tell you how sorry I am that this happened to you. I hope you weren’t afraid for too long. I hope you didn’t regret jumping for too long, or have to know for too long that you were about to die.
I could tell that you found a lot of direction in the last few years. That’s something we have to do for ourselves, and I was impressed but not surprised. I hear you had big plans and were starting to really apply yourself. That makes me think you were happy before you died. I am so glad for that, because I believe we are “whatever room we are in.” I think you died a happy and confident and optimistic man. That is who you will always be to me, anyway.
I am just so sorry that you didn’t get to try your hand at life, and learn more about the world, and see who you could be and what you could do. You know I always found you so great to be around – you were a sharp and independent thinker, and I thought your witty arrogance was totally charming. Most importantly, I think you always tried to be good to people. But I have learned so much more about you since you died, and it makes me wish I knew you better. I wish our friendship had been deeper. I wish we had done more things for each other. Maybe we postured too much, or maybe we just always relied on the other people in our lives. I wonder if you would feel the same way.
Like Holden said in his eulogy, I want to be inspired by you. I want to rid myself of complacency, and never rely on other people for the initiative to do the things I want to do. This is how I will probably think about you most for the rest of my life.
Mom, Dad, Holden, Simon, and I will all have to deal with your death for ourselves, and also as members of a family that lost you. Our family will always be incomplete. But we have been coming together, on a more emotional level than before. I know I took us for granted, and I don’t think I ever will again (I was even washing dishes and loading the dishwasher when I was home). I want so much for them to be okay, and in that desperate feeling, I feel my love for all of them so acutely. I think they are feeling that too, and I am optimistic that we have what it takes to stay as united as we were when you were still here.
I know you regret jumping, but of course we can’t retrospectively separate excessive risk-taking from bad luck. You were who you were, and you loved what you loved. I guess I wish you were a little less arrogant. But not really. Mostly, I am so sorry for the bad luck, my brother.
Love,
Hannah
Oh, baby.
My baby.
How I miss you.
What I would give to see your face, to hold you in my arms.
When you were working on the cattle ranch in the Northern Territories and would “go dark” because of lack of wifi, days would pass and I would grow increasing worried about you. Then you would go to that roadhouse, the place near Alice Springs, connect, and our phones would light up with lots of texts and pictures. Your dad and I would be so excited to hear from you.
But for those days you didn’t text I would patiently wait. Then I decided that if I saw a majestic hawk soaring in the sky it must be a sign from you. You’d play along. I’d text: “Saw a hawk on Clifton Rd near Davis’ Store, was that u?” Some time would lapsed and then I’d get a “Yep.”
So this weekend your dad, Simon and I went to the cabin. On Saturday, through tears, I planted the flower boxes on the back deck. The day was beautiful. Trinton’s Run was roaring and overflowing. Sunny, blue skies, big white clouds, cool breeze.
All of a sudden this huge beautiful hawk comes swooshing down by the fire pit and begins to dance in the sky. I am the only audience. He flies low and then soars as far as my eye can follow. He comes back and circles and circles. I’m mesmerized for a good ten minutes watching him. Your dad exits the front door and walks from the front porch to the shed and I yell from the side deck, “Look!” and it is gone. I like to think you sent him for me.
Endi, my love for you is so strong. I have been graced to have you as my son and your spirit lives within me…..and I will always be in awe of you. You are such a gift.
“Run like the wind, Endi.”
Peace, my son. I love you.
Hannah said something while she was here. She said the more she was getting to know Endi better, and the person he had become over the last two years while he’s mostly been gone, the more she liked him.
That’s testament to the many wonderful stories his friends have been sharing. But it’s also testament to Endi.
To be sure, Endi was confident, sometimes to the point of cockiness. But it was playful. While he had strong opinions about almost everything, and he loved sharing them, he was also always thinking and learning and listening to others. I saw his tastes in many things change over time. He was growing, he was changing, he was getting better.
Thanks to Endi’s Aussie friends, and the stories they are sharing, we’re loving our son even more (if that’s possible). It makes the loss even harder, but the memories even sweeter, for he was a wonderful and dynamic person.
Finally, this note, just for fun. Endi’s first experience in Australia was not in Sydney but on a ranch in the middle of nowhere. He had limited Internet access so we’d wait for updates that arrived sporadically, and we’d send care packages as often as we could. While searching for Endi’s football highlights I found this email I had saved, from 2014. It is his requests for the next care package. (We sent them all.)
Oh God I miss him.
His note:
More cigars
A torx bit set which must have a t6 t8 & t10 bit
Dr bronners lavender
St Ives apricot face soap
and anything else you think i would like
Much love,
Endicott
For Endi’s Australian friends who never saw him play American football, here is a taste:
http://www.hudl.com/athlete/1268504/endi-ackerman
In 2013, I was that lucky mother who hosted this lovely handsome Endicott during the exchange program to Germany.
Gabriel came back very happy from the Ackermans and told me he had got a wonderful family and friend and was looking forward to receiving him in summer.
Endicott came. He was a real blessing to us. We had a lot of fun, laughed a lot and he was really easy going.
Gabriel visited the Ackermans again the following year. We were still expecting Endi to come back to Germany.
It is so sad that this will never come to pass.
Endi boosted our Giants through his long experience of American Football training.
The Dortmund Giants embraced Endicott.
We met teachers who knew Endicott last Friday. They passed on their condolences to the family.
One teacher said” I have seen so many exchange students, but Endicott was an outstanding person”.
Dear Liz, Sam, Holden, Hannah and Simon, we are very sad too.
We were still expecting Endi to come again. We had plans. We miss him.
His smile, his character, Oh my God this child was just lovable. May his soul rest in peace.
I pray that God gives you peace which surpasses all human understanding and lift you up, heal the wounds and comfort you. We will not get tired of praying for you.
We love you.
Harriet Kaddu- Knabe, Germany
19.06.2016
Dearest Sam, Liz and children,
My heart is broken over the loss of Endicott; and there are no words that I can say nor, that will suffice for the pain you feel in this moment; but please know that I am praying for peace and comfort from The Lord to whom lets us know that there is no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal. I love you guys and it was always such a pleasure to be a part of your families dental care and watch your beautiful family grow and accomplish so much. So please know that, if there is anything that I can do for you all please let me know, Dr. Soga and I are very close and we offer whatever need you may have with much love.
Respectfully and lovingly,
Rev. Dr. Sharon Y. Harley
Endi and Django in W. Virginia
always always always… just so sweet
Endi was always trying make other people happy